My eyes snapped wide open at 4.30 this morning, glinting with psychedelic images of motherhood and fish curry. Not because I had dreamt of eating fish curry since I happen to be a vegetarian and the type that does-not-eat-chicken-and-meat-and-also-no-fish-type at that. The fish curry in my dream was not just any fish curry. It was the one served at dinner the previous night, and more specifically, it was the one with the many tiny bones, a fact my husband had discovered when a few had managed to lodge themselves in his teeth. As it transpired, we had eaten by the time our daughter got back home from work. So, post a quick chat to fill us in on her day, she carried her dinner, the aforementioned fish curry and rice, to her bedroom upstairs. I closed up for the night, and at some point of time, drifted off to the promised “blissful sleep” on the recently purchased orthopedic memory foam mattress that the company’s adverts had prompted us to buy.
I’m not sure though that their claims can be validated, because nearing dawn, disturbing visuals of the fish curry and its many tiny bones woke me up. It was closely followed by a more pressing worry. Had my daughter watched out for the fish bones while eating, and more urgently, was she ok? I fumbled for my phone on the bedside table to check for the time of her last seen status on Whatsapp, only to realise that she hadn’t enabled the feature. So, I told myself that I was just being paranoid and obviously, all was well and my daughter was safely sleeping in bed, and that it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to try and do the same myself.
“Try” being the operative word here, because, after 20 minutes of futile tossing and turning, I gave up. Motherhood and fish curry beckoned and I knew that I would have to go and see her for myself if I wanted to get any peace at all. So, I sat up in the dark and started feeling the rug with my feet for my slippers. To be quite honest, this wasn’t done out of consideration for my blissfully unaware, soundly asleep husband but purely out of a strong sense of self-preservation to avoid the conversation that would ensue if he were to know why I was awake, and where I was headed. I was clear, there was no way I was risking a lecture about the need for severe umbilical cords at the break of dawn no less! Thus, three and a half attempts later, I managed to match the right slipper with the right foot and sneak out of the room undetected, thankful for the cover provided by the humming of the air conditioner.
At the foot of the stairs, I quickly realised it had been a total waste of effort playing blind man’s buff earlier because flip-flopping my way up the steps was not going to be conducive to conducting a silent mission. So, off came the slippers and I slowly climbed the stairs barefoot, telling myself that my motive was simply to get some sleep and not because I thought anything could possibly be wrong. I mean, obviously a 23-year-old knows how to navigate a bony fish for crying out loud! With that thought, feeling more like a stalker than a mother, I quietly opened the bedroom door and peeped in. There my child was, all curled up and peacefully asleep, thankfully unaware of the shenanigans going on in her mother’s head. I slowly exhaled, feeling a sense of relief wash over me, unaware that I had been holding my breath all along.
Ridiculous, the kind of things my mind thinks up, I chided myself as I got back into bed. I was wide awake and coming down pretty hard on myself for being so foolish when I remembered the wise words of a kind monk I met many years ago. I had told him about my unsuccessful forays into the world of meditation and how every time I closed my eyes, I was unable to still my thoughts long enough to get into a meditative state. And how even though it was peaceful and quiet around me, my thoughts were neither very peaceful nor ever quiet. The monk had smiled, listened to me patiently, and said, “You are a mother, and it comes with being a mother that no matter what you are doing, at a subconscious level you are always thinking about your children. So, don’t expect a state of complete stillness in your thoughts ever, just learn to work with the calmest you can feel.”
It’s only now I understand what he meant, that it’s fine to over-think and over-worry and over-love because it all comes with the territory of being a Mom. Also, know that it comes without an expiry date, because starting from the day your kids are born until after your last breath, “being mommy” is going to come first, always and every time, just like it did with the fish curry. I like what Elizabeth Stone says about being a parent, “Making a decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body”. I for one am absolutely convinced that Mommy vows must be taken way more seriously than any marriage vows, for motherhood is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God. Amen.
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Photo by Micah Hallahan on Unsplash
I loved this article.. Brought back childhood memories of my Mom fussing over me and always having my back.. Beautiful tribute to all mothers out there who do so much unconditionally.. Looking forward to read many more such articles penned from the heart Ma’am..
So heartening that it touched a chord, thank you so much Amol. You are so right – Moms always have our back, bless them!
Rashmi, can completely visualise the scene.
The article was as live and real as can be .
Well written and looking forward to more.
Thank you so much Shonu. I think there are going to be more ‘stalker mom’ stories coming out of my closet very soon 🙂
Well written Rashmi.
I laughed hard, because I could imagine myself doing the same. Motherhood is honour, privilege and being on tenderhooks unless the kid is in front of your eyes.
Thanks so much Himani. And so agree with you, fewer heart attacks if we could just swaddle them up and tuck them where we could see them at all times!
I loved the article, Rashmi. It totally resonated with me. It most probably will resonates with everyone who reads it.
‘Over love’ is such an apt word which you coined!
As a kid growing up, I found this extremely irritating. That is until I became a father and found myself doing exactly the same thing.
Thank you so much Nikhil. You are so right, the things that would bug us about being babied as kids are the exact same things we are doing to ours now! The circle of life is complete 🙂
Superbly penned down piece Rashmi. I love your effortless way of writing. It goes without saying that it deeply touched a parallel chord in my heart. You have successfully managed to endorse my mommy weirdness over the years and I don’t feel crazy or a hyperventilating parent anymore 😜 Keep going, there’s a treasure of knowledge in there to impart to lesser mortals like us👍
Thanks a ton, Tinky. I totally get what you mean by drawing comfort from knowing that there are more of our tribe out there hyperventilating and losing their sleep, I swear!
Loved every discription, as parents ( mother specially) we all do this. Beautiful n looking forward to more stories.
Thank you, Narjjis. I’m so glad it resonated with you, and yes, be ready for more mommy tales ahead 🙂
“need to severe umbilical cords” heard this so many times myself! Yes it’s so mother thing to do. beautifully expressed!!
Thank you so much, Anjana. Like you said, umbilical cords are a given of motherhood, look at our own Moms, we are still tied to ours 🙂
Very well expressed . We mothers can undoubtedly relate to it.
Thanks a lot Mukta, am glad it resonated with you.
“…learn to work with the calmest you can feel…” So true! Loved how your words flowed so beautifully and effortlessly on the intensities of motherhood…May the fish curry always be delicious and the fishbones forever benign 🙂
Amen to that 🙂 Thank you for such a lovely wish Anjum. So important to remember these words when you are beating yourself up over not being as calm as you should be.
Loved the visual imagery of the words..so many memories rushed in.. beautifully penned
Thank you Bela. I’m hoping you will share some of those lovely memories with us soon.
Very well articulated. Enjoyed reading it. Naveeta also behaves exactly the same….. Guess you all are like that….. As long as the kids understand and do not get hassled, it is OK….Waiting to read your next post.
So glad to hear you enjoyed the read, thank you so much. You are right, it’s important that kids are ok with the ‘mom-is-at-it-again’ syndrome, and thrilled that Naveeta is the same tribe 🙂 Look forward to your feedback for the next piece.
“It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body “…so beautiful a sentiment. Every nuance of motherhood penned beautifully.
That sentiment so resonated with me too, Thank you so much Neeraa.
Very well written ….looking forward to more such reads.
Thank you so much Neeti. So glad you enjoyed the writing. Hope you will be browsing through regularly 🙂
Rashmi,this is an article that I totally relate to! Reading every word had me chuckling and remembering every wierd thing that I as a helicopter Mom had done over the years….and will probably continue to do so. I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one…either in being a hyper Mom or having to listen to the hyper Dad lectures. Waiting eagerly for your next article, please make it soon.
I had a feeling that you would totally relate to it after the conversations we have had about being OTT Moms…haha. And I like the part about the hyper Dad lectures, Dagger is very good at those!!!
I enjoyed reading ur article .Keep it up .💕
Thank you so much for the motivation Aunty, looking forward to hearing from you more.
Typical Mommy 🤗💕 Nicely written Rashmi.
Thank you so much Mrs Thamburaj. Love that you enjoyed reading it <3
Very touching. How you have interwoven a simple thought into mother’s emotional mindset ….amazing.
Keep going Rashmi…
Amen
Thank you so much for your appreciation and encouragement Vikram. I’m so glad that it resonates as much with fatherhood. Perhaps, it should be written about more…go for it!
I was unaware of your great sense of humour because it’s clearly reflecting in all of your articles. Your writing is very lucid, 4 min read ke span ko badhao, love it.
Thank you for the motivation to push further Pragati…I wish I had your sense of humor, seriously….your one liners are epic!! Calling you today for a dose of laughter <3
Ong .. how sweet Rashmi bhaabhi .. was waiting till the end .. like a mystery novel…I really thought she must have had the bones 🤦♀️😂